A Lost Letter from the Apostle Paul

Dear Roman Friends,

As you may know, with the death of our emperor Claudius, Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus now ascends to the throne. I don't need to tell you that this development spells the end of life as we know it, both as Roman citizens and as Christians. As you know, at 16 years of age, Nero has no experience in running the empire and has given no indication that he will respect the rights of the Christian community in his realm.

While there were many reasons for us to not like his uncle Claudius--not the least of which was his lowbrow sense of humor and penchant for bloody games in the coliseum--we can thank him for the expansion of our Roman values to the barbarians in Britain and the expulsion of foreign sorcerers and druids from Rome. Simply put, this has made our job that much easier. Additionally, Claudius has exhibited notable discipline in limiting his romantic attachments exclusively to members of the opposite sex--something we cannot be sure about this young upstart who now ascends to the throne. While Claudius repealed taxes on food for those suffering from the famine, all indications are that Nero will raise taxes upwards to an onerous 4.5 percent. How will we be able to carry out our ministry in such a economically hostile environment?

I tell you all this to encourage you to contact your senators and instigate some type of uprising that might result in the installation of a more worthy candidate to this office--perhaps even one of us. As you know, the dissemination and survival of the gospel depends on an environment conducive to our cause. And a government in which we have influence and control is a government that is ultimately on our side. Perhaps one day we will have an emperor who will be one of us and will assist us in the advancement of the gospel. Perhaps one day we will no longer hide in catacombs and tombs and will be able to build great sanctuaries alongside the palaces of our emperors. Until that day comes, let us work together to establish our Lord's kingdom here on earth--in a way he never imagined.

Grace and Peace,

Paul

Note: The Apostle Paul did not write this, and it is antithetical to his theology. This is intended to be a satire, inspired by recent frantic eruptions from Christians terrified at the prospect of an Obama presidency. One column I read today actually predicted "the end of life as we know it" if Barack Obama were elected. My contention is that Christianity is a religion that has historically thrived in environments in which it is not appreciated and that the transcendant power of the gospel is subversive and countercultural--even to its own adherents. Yes, we should vote and participate in government, but as resident aliens, our citizenship is not here.