"Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need?" So says Newsweek's Jessica Bennett in a recent article on polyamory.
I have to agree, and with the proponents of polyamory interviewed in the article, I concur that the practice is natural. It is as natural as sailors stranded on a lifeboat for weeks plunging their faces over the side to drink their fill of saltwater. Anyone seeking satisfaction in human relationships is seeking a truly noble thing. The logic is seemingly solid: If I can find pleasure in the companionship of one person, that pleasure would be multiplied by multiplying the number of people with whom I'm enjoying that pleasure. It's a no-brainer.
The problem is that these seekers will always come up empty. They are carnivores at a salad bar. We were not created for each other. We were created for God, and we will only find satisfaction in the One for whom we were made.
“Thou hast made us for Thyself O God, and the heart of man is restless until it finds its rest in Thee.” - Augustine
I'd love to hear some of the Christian culture warriors respond to the trend of polyamory with this angle. I think it would throw the media a curveball.
8 comments:
Somebody press the reset button. Shudder.
Believe as you will, but your rationale falls apart in light of the facts. Today, right now, there are hundreds of thousands of people finding the satisfaction you reference in stable, long-term relationships with more than one person, openly and honestly. Time and again I see people who object to polyamory make such pronouncements as yours who are undeniably wrong about it. I realize this doesn't square with what you have been taught to believe, but that doesn't make it any less true. That old saw about finding our one and only love with whom we will live happily ever after has left a significant portion of today's adults disillusioned and looking for something better, and some of them find it in responsible non-monogamy. They aren't fooling themselves or rationalizing away their misery, because they are happy and know what happiness is. They approach their relationships and their lives with intentionality, self-awareness and wisdom - polyamory doesn't work very well at all for people who don't possess those qualities.
Anita, you're probably going to hate me after I write my thoughts but what the heck, it's a free world hey?
I feel ever so secure in my relationship with my wife. Knowing that we are 100% devoted to each other is the safest thing. True love is complete devotion. So it is impossible to de completely devoted to someone if there is a sexual union with a different person.
Where do you take your cues from about what is good and right in life?
I can see a time when "true love" will involve inviting the child into the bed in the midst if sexual activity. You may not be involved in group sex but other adults consent to this and aren't they "wise" enough to make this decision? So who draws the line and says that children should not be involved? What about the family dog? Surely dogs are people too? Sounds crazy. But not too long ago people would have said you were crazy too, in fact many still do.
So Anita, where do you draw the line? Take a look at history. Have you heard of bestiality? People have done it before and as long as people reject God this sin will cone back too.
I guess you'll tell me you don't believe in God anyway. Well there's an abstract thought dreamed up by some selfish and bored philosophers. Perhaps you ate selfish and bored?
Ultimately your sin will consume and destroy you as an individual and will tear your own life apart, both now in this life and in eternity. And your sin is helping to tear the fabric of society apart too. Way to go, in your selfishness to have more "pleasure" you are ruining society for the rest of us.
Your sin deeply grieves the heart of God. You were made for so much more. You were created for intimacy with God. But because you will not seek it with God you seek it with multiple sexual partners. But you will never be satisfied that way. The more you seek else where the less satisfied you will become. You see, sex in marriage us a picture of the intimacy that God desires with us. How sad that you have missed this.
Please take the chance to repent of your sin. Seek God for his forgiveness through Jesus Christ. If not, the time is coming when you will face your judgement, both in this life and in eternity.
And please do us all favour, stop tearing our society apart.
Thanks for listening Anita.
Paul,
You really present a worn-out and totally irrational argument: you go straight from love and sex between consenting adults to pedophilia and bestiality. I fail to see the correlation (and so does professional counselors and psychologists) between having a sexual relationship with more than one person to having sex with children and animals. If this was truly the case than many supposedly monogamous people are out there having sex with children and goats because they also cheat on their spouse. In fact, 7 out of 10 marriages experience cheating.
So how is Anita's supposed sin going to tear her life apart here in the the afterlife and also the fabric of society and the 3 out of 10 women and 4 out of 10 men sitting with you in church on Sunday that are cheating on their spouse not going to do the same?
Lastly, you are arrogantly assuming that everyone believes as you do. You forget that 2/3's of the world is not Christian. You arrogantly feel that everyone in the world should live by Christian standards, the Jews, the Buddhists, the Muslims, the Hindus and many, many others. Remember, self-righteousness is not religion.
Okay, fine. Let's take Christianity out of the equation for a minute. Let's just look at polyamory. Polyamory, to love many, but not marry? Sounds like a noncommittal polygamy to me. Is it because they won't let you marry more than one person, or is it so that there's no real attachment there for you so that you can move along when you "fall out of love" with that person.
Without even going into Christianity, the very definition of love isn't infatuation. To fall back on cliches, "love is a verb." It's an act. Sure, you may not always be happy with your spouse. Things might not even be going the way that you planned, but marriage boasts a commitment to work for that relationship.
Who cares if everyone else is doing it? It doesn't make it right. Just because 7 out of 10 marriages experience cheating doesn't make it okay. Just because you're not getting married, and shacking up with anyone that makes you happy for the moment doesn't make it not bad.
It's the throw-away culture that we've become. We can't deal with our problems or work them out on our own. We need meds, and there's conditions for everything that once was a personality trait. And why not translate that to our love lives? Sure. Why not? There's plenty of men and women out there. Right?
Sure, movies and books and television have romantized love and marriage telling you that if you are constantly "happy" or satisfied with your partner, then you must not love them anymore. But that isn't love.
Continue on with your polyinfatuation if you want. No one can really stop you. You're basically just putting a word to what people have been doing for so long anyway. I just think it's a sad statement of how love has been watered down to a happy, sappy, lust-driven sham.
If you actually want to experience happiness in life, you have to accept that some things aren't going to make you happy, and do it anyway.
(Oh, and I'm married... and I waited.)
I guess I just don't understand the idea of being 100% devoted to more than one person. It's just not possible.
If I have two jobs (A and B), and I'm 100% devoted to the first, then my other job would suffer because I'd be spending all my time with job A. If I was truly 100% devoted to job A, I'd be getting overtime and picking up extra shifts and job B would fall by the wayside.
Mathematically speaking, you have 100% of devotion to give. You can't give more than your 100% because it's a percentage and 100% is the most you can give. So, if you gave job A 50%, you only have 50% more for job B, (or C, D, E, etc). Correct?
It may feel like you're 100% devoted to your partner/spouse, but if there are feelings for others, then the number could well be 99%, but it cannot be 100%.
Now, as far as assumptions go, you are correct. I did assume that you are unmarried. I apologize for assuming. As I mentioned before, the idea of being married in an open relationship seems foreign to me and seems to go against the marriage vows that I spoke when I married my wife, but probably aren't the same vows that you spoke.
This assumption isn't based on your "relationship doesn’t look like [mine] that [yours] is less valid than [mine]." It's based on the math that I've already mentioned.
Polygamy was not, however, based on something about the pope... That's been around for longer than Catholicism. But it doesn't really matter.
I am sorry if I offended. This was unintentional, and I guess I didn't realize how worked up I'd get. I apologize for that.
Here's some questions that I ask:
What drives you to be in relationships with another? What is it that the others have, that your partner/spouse does not?
We are making a mistake in arguing this point with people who are not regenerated. How can we expect people who have not accepted Christ to behave as Christians? These people who disagree with our position on this point are the very people who Christ would be eating and drinking with. His message to them would be one of love and acceptance regardless of their sins. Thank God he accepted me where I was (and am).
I'm not saying I think their position is right, but I do think it is consistent with their position toward God.
Wow, wow, wow, Matthew, you opened an interesting can of worms with this blog write-up!
I agree with bman -- you can only be 100% devoted to one person. No way around that, that is for sure. And if you are not 100% devoted to one person--then wouldn't the other person who you are only 10%, 25% or whatever devoted to, have major jealousy and ego issues?--as will you as you would know you are being unfair and hurting people? But if a person has gotten to the point that they have multiple relationships like this, they've gotten to the point that they desensitize to those things.
Mmmm....the world is a lot worse off ever since people have began "loosening" the meaning of being in a singular covenant relationship with one's spouse.--ever since people have begun seeking to have their needs met through ways other than how God created it to be (which we know--because of what God's Word says---is one man, with one woman, in one marriage, for life). But if you don't have respect for the Bible being THE WORD of GOD.....then, of course, anything goes (or just about as long as it doesn't include animals or children).
And yes, we were made for only one thing--to Worship God. No one else will satisfy. So, why not be 100% devoted to God--then the rest of your life (love life, included) will fall into place according to how God created it to be--according to what lines up with HIS Word--one man, one woman, in marriage, for life.
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